If not 'No', then 'Yes'

Alright - I gave you the gift of Hitler saying 'No' for 10 minutes in his native tongue yesterday. What better antidote to that than 10 minutes of somebody saying 'Yes' for 10 minutes? You know it makes sense...

Now, I don't want to be accused of being mentally unstable, or anything like that, but if you really want to zoink your brain - and the brains of those within earshot - may I suggest a little experiment for you. Set this video running, and then scroll down to the Hitler video and set that running too (you may have to adjust the volumes so that there is a good balance between the competing annoyances). The interplay between the two videos is just amazing. It produces perhaps the most annoying sound ever - guaranteed to wind up anyone who can hear it - especially if they don't know what is going on. Let them savour the repetitive nature of the mix - for a full 10 minutes, if you are feeling in a 'CIA at Gitmo' sort of mood.

David Attenborough hits 85

It's hard to believe really. He doesn't come across as someone who is 85. (Then again, perhaps 85 is the new 75). Anyway, Happy Birthday David. What isn't in dispute is that he has created an amazing canon of work for the BBC over the last 60 years. Few could fail to be impressed with his contribution to the BBC's remit to educate - his wildlife documentaries are simply magnificent.

It takes someone with great intelligence and such natural communication skills to bring natural science into our homes in such an enjoyable and accessible way. I am a huge fan and I know I am not alone in that assessment. Here is a short clip - demonstrating the ease with which he can make something complex easily understandable...

Most Pointless & Annoying Video Ever!

This raises more questions than it answers. What, why, why, and why again? Still, I am sure it entertains some people though I rather suspect it is being used in Guantanamo Bay to torture terror suspects. I challenge you to watch it all the way through. I bet that you cannot - fickle, weak beings that you are.

It's 'Business as Usual'

I love politicians. And by that I mean I don't love politicians. Rather, I 'love' the games they play, the lies they tell and the thinly-veiled contempt in which they hold the public. The Lib Dems, fresh from a sound thrashing - which they squarely blame on their coalition partners - are claiming that they will be back in cabinet this week for 'business as usual'.

Vince Cable knows it's business as usual. Today, he has described his 'business' partners as "ruthless, calculating and very tribal". Sounds promising. Fellow Lib Dem Minister Chris Huhne accused his business partners of spreading "lies, misinformation and deceit". He has also threatened legal action. As you do.

I look forward to watching these partners work together for the good of the country. I love a good scrap - same as the next man. My money is on the Tories. They have the numbers on their side and they look a bit heavier than the Lib Dems. Weight always gives you an advantage when it comes to a bit of argy bargy. And doubtless some of the older Tories will have done a bit of boxing at their public schools. Being able to land a good right hook will come in handy when these lot get down to business next week.

D'oh!

Homer Simpson - or Nick Clegg watching the election results? You decide.

I voted...

I voted in the AV Referendum and in the local council elections today. I don't hold out much hope for either of my preferences. Voting 'Yes', I will probably get 'No'. And voting 'Green', I will probably end up with 'Tory'. Three cheers for democracy. Once again, most people will probably not bother to vote and of those that do, they will probably vote against their own interests. And because they aspire to something which they think the blues and the reds represent.

"We've always voted Labour in our family"

Make no mistake, these politicians represent their own personal interests. If they were actually standing for something they believed in, they wouldn't have to spend so much time lying their malevolent butts off. Their arguments would stand on merit - they always do if they are driven by sound principles and a thirst for social justice. I voted for the 'least bad' apples - the Greens - though I don't agree with everything they stand for. The point is, though, that I did vote. Nothing makes me seethe more than apathy - those that moan about society and then proudly announce that they didn't actually bother to vote. Politicians rely on such people. They love it when people don't care enough to do something - anything - but stand back and leave them to divide the cake up for themselves.

MPs blah blah, moan, blah blah, didn't vote

I did have some fun though. On 'checking-in' at the polling station, I was given two ballot papers. The officials went to great lengths to explain the difference between the Referendum and the local elections and directed me where to post the ballot papers once I had nominated my choices. I approached the local election voting box and sought the officials' reassurance.

'So this box is for the local elections, yes?'

They agreed. As I slowly slid the ballot paper into the slot at the top, I continued...

'And these are ranked 1, 2, 3, 4 - yes?'

'No'! they cried in unison.

I told them that I was only kidding. I am sure some people will have done so - some because they are a bit dim and have got the wrong end of the stick and some - just to make a point. I was in two minds about the Referendum. My gut feeling is that AV is a definite improvement on the current sham. So I voted 'Yes'. But, I also know that a victory for the 'No' vote will rile the Lib Dems to the point of apoplexy. Not because they are bad losers as such, but because they have been so wound up by the disgraceful tactics employed by the Conservatives to secure a victory. It is going to stick in their throats - and here is my confident prediction - it will bring the coalition down within a matter of months.

Clegg - has been sold a turkey

And that will make me a happy voter. For once, I am in a no-lose situation. Either way, I will be happy with the outcome. The social-justice part of my brain will rejoice in a victory for the 'Yes' campaign. But the political animal in me will enjoy the fallout from a victory for the 'No' campaign. The blue touch paper has been lit. Let's sit back and watch the fireworks commence.

Why I am glad not to be american

This man is trying to break the 'most embarrassingly stereotypical american' award. I think he wins. I have nightmares about this sort of thing - that one day I will wake up and find that I am actually a red-neck american. I can think of few things worse than being this man.

Stupid and oft repeated argument

"So, what would you have instead? President Blair?" Snort, snort.

You don't need to be playing 'Jeopardy' to know what suggestion might have sparked that reply. And it really is so very very very stupid. OK, so I am no fan of the monarchy. As it turns out, I am not alone. But this is typical of the response you might get if you raise the idea that the monarchy may have passed its sell-by date.

The idea that you have to replace the Queen as head of state with an unpopular political president is such a lame argument. But it is the only option considered by those who wish to keep the current dysfunctional family in their position of unbridled privilege. Just as they wouldn't wish to have President Blair as our head of state, well neither would I. Neither would I want President Brown, Mandelson, Major nor Thatcher.

President Blair - snort snort

There are other options - and other countries have shown that you can have an elected head of state who is respected and admired at home and abroad. Our closest neighbour, Ireland, has had a succession of popular Presidents. The last two, in particular, have been a huge success and a model for any country wishing to off-load their expensive royal baubles.

Mary Robinson was elected the President of Ireland in 1990. She was Ireland's first female president and was elected despite not having been nominated by either of Ireland's two main political parties. An academic lawyer by profession, she served until 1997 after which she was appointed the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights. Her presidency was judged to be hugely successful and she played her part in promoting equality for minorities and the Irish peace process.

Mary Robinson - respected across the world

Her successor, Mary McAleese, was elected in 1997 & was again (unopposed) in 2004. Once again, she has proved to be a very popular president. She was a Belfast-born lawyer & journalist, and continued in the same manner as her predecessor. She has been the face of Ireland around the world, meeting leaders and representing Ireland's interests with so much popular support from her people. Later this year, she will host the Queen's first visit to Ireland - and will doubtless show her how it should be done.

Current President - hugely popular

Both of these extremely popular presidents are an example of what is possible. Neither of them is tainted with an overtly political history. They are two bright and successful people, who have earned their place in society - on merit. They have been the head of state of their nation through the will of the people. They have set an example to any citizen growing up in Ireland - that one day, they too could become the head of state - something that can never be said of any subject in Britain. Unless, of course, you happen to be the Prince of Wales.

Sorry Britain - I'm afraid this is the best we could do

Silly Video - but I like it

I know. It really is very silly. But it has a certain charm and it appeals to my love of dogs. Not just any dog. Dogs like this one. With just one of those faces that makes it - I don't know - a doggy. I will get myself a dog one day and it will definitely have one of those faces, even if it doesn't have the voice. Marvellous!

They don't miss an opportunity, do they?

In the wake of Osama Bin Laden's death at the hands of american special forces, our government has issued some advice to the people of Britain. It advises us to...

 'avoid large crowds and demonstrations'

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Well, that's one - sorry - another desperate attempt to quell dissent in the general population. Surely 'large crowds' should have been sufficient. Pathetic! This government is so transparent - they cannot help but give themselves away. They really must think we are so stupid.

Whose Crazy Idea is this?

I have put it on record that I cannot deal with heights. Just watching any video of people being active at height turns my stomach to jelly, which then whizzes backwards and forwards between my head and my feet. I brought you a video recently showing maintenance workers climbing to the very top of a radio mast - but at least they had a sensible reason for doing so. Whose crazy idea is this?

Here we have a narrow wooden platform bolted to the side of a cliff so people can walk along it. Up a cliff. Like near the top. Who thinks this is fun? The Chinese obviously think so. It appears to be a tourist attraction now, though it is not clear whether it once had a practical purpose. Judge for yourself...

Good News from the Land of 0$ - The Wicked Witch is dead!

Once upon a time, there was a magical land called 0$. Nobody knows for sure how it got that name, but many believed that it had something to do with the fact that there were no dollars left any more. The land was protected from catastrophe by the Wizard of 0$ and he lived in the Emerald City (home of the 'green back'), which was built high on the hill of Ponzi.

Home of the 'Green Back'

There was once a little girl (originally from Kansas) called Dorothy, though most people knew her as Dot Combubble, who found that she crashed in the magical Land of 0$. She heard about the Wizard and decided to set off to see if he could help her. She soon found others who were in need of help. In the mid west she found a scarecrow. He lived on a farm and like all those who lived in such farms he was broke. He was also pretty stupid, as he kept voting for the nasty people who didn't care about him or his kind.

So dumb, he voted Republican

Then she met a Tin Man. He was based in the north-east and spent all day making things from metal. But he was seizing up and worried that, before long, he wouldn't be able to move at all. And then she met a Cowardly Lie-on. He was a Congressman and he was too scared to do what was really needed to save the Land from going under. So, together the four of them set off to see the Wizard in the Emerald City, walking along the gold brick road, which seemed to be getting steeper and steeper in front of them.

The Gold Brick Road - rising up & up

Finally, they arrived at the Emerald City and they soon realised why it had that name. Everywhere they looked, more and more of the 'green backs' were being printed. As they produced more and more of them, so the gold brick road appeared steeper and steeper. At long last, the weary band of travellers were granted an audience to see the Wizard. And how they were impressed by what they saw. The Wizard was awesome. He was producing the green backs with little effort and they were being showered upon the people. He looked so mighty and so in control that Dorothy and her new friends just knew he could help them all.

Wizard of 0$

However, just as the Wizard was doing his thing, along came a little dog called Total Debt (or Toto for short). Toto pulled back the curtain to reveal that the grand Wizard was really just a frightened little man called Ben. Just when it seemed that all hope would be lost, good news arrived from the land of the Munchkins. The Wicked Witch of the East, 0$ama, had been killed and now everything would be OK again.

The Wicked Witch is dead!

But just as everyone was rejoicing, a little voice was heard to warn that because the Wicked Witch of the East had been killed, the other Wicked Witches might not be happy about that. In fact, as you kill one Wicked Witch, it seemed that many more Wicked Witches came into being. And all the printed 'green backs' in all the world were not going to make this problem go away. But it didn't stop the Wizard. He carried on printing and printing and the gold brick road just got steeper and steeper.

More and more...

Who knows where the story will end? The Land of 0$ continues to be plagued by stupid Scarecrows, seized-up Tin Men and cowardly Lie-ons. And the world beyond is still producing more and more Wicked Witches. Will they ever learn? Sadly, I don't think so. The death of Wicked Witch 0$ama will do very little to help the Munchkins. But for now, they can all believe in fairy tales.

I'm not melting any time soon

Nostalgia Trip - Opening Credits to Robinson Crusoe

OK! So if you are of a certain age and you watched TV during the school summer holidays, you will know this programme. It was an unmovable feast. The music, which is unmistakable, is known as the Robinson Crusoe Suite. Go reminisce!

Older, but not necessarily Wiser

Ted Lowe, the veteran snooker commentator has died. He chose to die on today of all days - just as the Final of the World Snooker Championship was kicking off in Sheffield. Typical!

'Whispering' Ted Lowe

The tributes from the world of snooker, assembled in Sheffield for the final, have been generous and effusive. Ted was known to all the players and he was the voice of snooker just as the game became a major TV sport. He was a bit of a pioneer - an ex-manager of a snooker hall who almost fell into commentating by accident. His particular style earned him the nickname 'Whispering' Ted Lowe - his voice really was very distinctive and delivered in a hushed tone. But that is as far as I am prepared to go. I was not a fan of Ted's.

In fact, outside of the tight-knit world of professional snooker, I don't know anyone who was a fan. Ted was 'old school' - he lived in a world of keen amateurs that inhabited the BBC and really knew very little about the technical aspects of the game he covered. And it showed. His commentary was vapid - full of fluffy platitudes and inconsequential information. Unlike modern snooker commentators - all of whom are ex-professionals - there was rarely any real insight into what was unfolding on the table. He didn't predict, didn't explain and didn't illuminate. He could tell you the player's age, his birthplace (oft repeated, for some reason) and all sorts of useless and irrelevant facts.

OMG - Ted's commentating!

So, whilst others are paying tribute to the man's art, I doubt that I am not alone amongst snooker fans in believing that he wasn't very good. In fact, I will go further. He was quite irritating. Ted's commentary was improved by a single button on my remote control - the mute button. And before you accuse me of being uncharitable, I should tell you that that is exactly what I used to do. So, whilst I am sorry the old geezer has gone to the great commentary box in the sky, I will happily stick to the young guns who know what they are talking about.

Shut up and make me a coffee

Here is a wonderful coffee ad from a few years back. It just goes to show how attitudes have changed. Can you imagine any advertising agency getting away with this today?

Phew! I survived...

Well, all the guff is just about over and I managed to survive without becoming contaminated. Apart from the odd flash on my computer screen as I attempted to find out what else was going on in the world, I have managed to avoid all of it.

Still, I am sure the powers-that-be will be delighted. It has served its purpose - a massive distraction from the real issues of the day. Interestingly, whilst all the fluff and stuff was going on in London, Facebook were busy taking down a number of contentious groups from the website in advance of the May Day bank holiday. Of course, they claim it is not in any way politically motivated. However, the timing and the nature of the groups just stretches credibility a tad too far. The Guardian reported...

Facebook has removed dozens of profiles from its site, causing an outcry from campaigners trying to organise anti-austerity protests this weekend.

The deactivated pages include UK Uncut, and pages created by students during last December's university occupations.

A list posted on the Stop Facebook Purge group says Chesterfield Stop the Cuts, Tower Hamlet Greens, London Student Assembly, Southwark SoS and Bristol Uncut sites are no longer functioning.

Apparently, Facebook claim that it is really to do with registration issues. Chinny Reckon! Do they really think we are that stupid? Still, the important thing is that this blatant act of censorship has been shoved out of the news by the Will & Kate Show. Whoever was behind this must be delighted. Their aim, of course, is to disrupt any demonstrations planned for this weekend.

They think we are this stupid

It makes you realise that the Internet is not a government-free space, available for the uninhibited promotion of free speech. If you thought that was the case, forget it. They own it and they own us. Barf! 

Royal Wedding - Special Souvenir Blog Post

Welcome to our special Royal Wedding, cut-out-and-keep souvenir blog post. Simply cut around the edge of the poster (ask a grown-up to help you) and stick the poster where all your friends can admire it. You will be the envy of your Royal Wedding street party. So slap on your union jack bowler hat & enjoy!

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The pressure pays off

Bradley Manning, the whistle-blower currently awaiting trial in the U.S. has finally been moved from the Quantico Marine Base to a military prison. The serviceman who is accused of leaking embarrassing state secrets to the Wikileaks website, had been held in conditions amounting to 'torture'. A concerted campaign by human rights organisations, national newspapers and individuals has helped highlight the disgraceful behaviour of the U.S. authorities and the pressure has led to him enjoying more humane conditions in the run-up to his trial.

Thank goodness for the watchers

The Guardian newspaper had kept a spotlight aimed at Manning's treatment, which has included incarceration in his cell for 23 hours a day, shackled exercise in a small room (only allowed to perform figure of eights), solitary confinement, forced to sleep naked, sleep deprivation and tightly controlled visitation rights (with visits cancelled or hampered by the authorities on a regular basis). All of this was aimed to break a man who has not yet been tried, or found guilty, though the U.S. authorities have refused to accept that any of this was designed to be 'punitive'.

Manning - Tortured but not broken

He is now in Fort Leavenworth Military Prison, where he is able to associate with other prisoners. The fact that reporters have been shown the conditions in which he will now await trial demonstrates the power of public pressure. One has to wonder how many other whistle-blowers, who have not enjoyed publicity, have been left to rot in conditions amounting to torture. Manning's alleged 'crime' is exposing the genuine documented crimes of the U.S. authorities - crimes against civilisation - and yet it is he who they are attempting to punish. Regardless of this latest twist, a dark stain remains on the reputation of the U.S. - to add to all the other dark stains it has been accumulating over the years.

The U.S. - a disgrace to civilisation

God Bless You, Ma'am

Yes, indeed! God bless you, your majesty! We, your humble subjects, are gratified to share in this happy moment in the history of our great nation. And we count our blessings every day, and give humble thanks for your magnificent reign.

The Queen (right)

Surely there couldn't be a better queen anywhere on the planet. But we know that you have followed the great example of your wonderful parents, Good King George and his celestial consort, Queen Elizabeth. With his chirpy stutter (what became known as 'the Royal Stutter') and her wonderfully aristocratic teeth (the shade became known as 'Royal Brown'), how could we have been better served in those dark days of the blitz?

Teeth - 'Royal Brown'

And then there are your regal children - three royal princes and a princess that are surely the envy of the world. Who could forget the fairytale royal romance of the last generation - the marriage of Prince Charles to his lovely wife, Princess Diana Camilla? And who could ever forget Princess Anne and her husband Mark Tim? Or Andrew and Fergie? And now the next generation will make us all humble and proud all over again.

'May I humbly exterminate your majesty?'

So, God bless you Ma'am. We all love you and wish you many more years reigning over your loyal subjects. And so, we raise a glass and raise a cheer. Three cheers for you Ma'am!

Hague takes 'Nuclear Option' on Syria

Foreign Secretary, William Hague, has lived up to his hard-man reputation by imposing the strictest penalty possible against the Syrian regime, in response to the continuing violence in Damascus. Hague, in discussion with other departments of state, has gone for the 'nuclear option' and withdrawn the invitation of the Syrian Ambassador to the royal wedding. "No one messes with the Hague", laughed a spokesman.

Hague - 'The Nuclear Option'

"I bet President Assad must be feeling pretty stupid right now", a beaming Hague announced, adding "they will certainly think twice before they decide to quell civil unrest in that fashion again." Insiders in the Syrian Embassy have talked of the shock that has greeted the news. "The Ambassador had already hired his suit from Moss Bros and had spent most of yesterday ironing his shirt and polishing his shoes. The poor man is devastated. It will take weeks for him to get over this".

Syrian Ambassador - Inconsolable

Buckingham Palace announced the news on the Royal Wedding website, stating that they had reluctantly agreed to go along with it. "There will be a Syria-shaped hole in the pews at Westminster Abbey", claimed Palace spokesman Tarquin Bumbleberry. "We pray that this does not mar the occasion too much for the the happy couple, who had been looking forward to spending their special day with Dr Sami Khiyami. The young royals have now been informed and Catherine is being consoled by close friends and relatives."
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Kate - Dark glasses hide tear-soaked eyes

Criticism of the move has come from an unexpected source - the British Ambassador in Damascus. Tristram Smedley-Smythe is concerned that there may be a violent backlash against the decision. "The trouble with the nuclear option is that both sides can play the same game. Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD) has ensured that governments refrain from using the ultimate option. Who knows if Assad will choose to push his button." Ambassador Smedley-Smythe had been expecting to attend the wedding of Bashir Assad, nephew of the President early in June. "It could be the end of the line - we will just have to wait and see", he added, wiping tears from his cheeks. "I know MAD when I see it and this is certainly becoming a MAD situation."