If you read this blog...

...please leave a comment at the foot of the Gallery below. Even just a single word will do. Just so that I know if anyone is actually reading this blog.

I know that at least one person reads it on a regular basis, but I would like to know if anyone else does. I will leave this message here for a few days. I hope to hear from you. In the meantime, here is a nice picture for you to look at (I will add a new one each day).

Gallery

Wayne Rooney takes his Manager's advice very carefully. Having been caught looking into the crowd, he was told to keep his eyes on the pitch. As we can see, he is doing just that. Well done Wayne. We are all impressed with your professionalism. Good luck against Barcelona tonight. You will need it.

"It is better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt". It works for signs too. Attributed to various people, including George Elliot, Mark Twain, Abe Lincoln and Confucius. On second thoughts, I think it works for Americans in general.

 

Isn't she a picture of loveliness? Yes Sir - she's a ding-dong doozie of a woman. Heaven is indeed missing an angel. Nothing makes you more attractive than being drunk and having a fag hanging out of your mouth. Now that's class!

Sarah Palin may stand for President - to cheers from the very people who would suffer if she succeeds. Americans seem obsessed with voting against their own economic & social interests. Palin and her ilk play to this ignorance with their superficial platitudinous populism. This image sums it up for me. You cannot know what is good for you unless you are prepared to look beyond the label.

Apparently, the big-wigs at FIFA are all corrupt. My, my! I am shocked. The 2022 World Cup was awarded to Qatar - where temperatures reach over 50'C at the time of year that the tournament is played - and it is being suggested that Qatar might just have bribed FIFA officials to win. I will believe that FIFA is clean when I spot my first rhino against the autumn sky, migrating south for the winter. 

'Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth – Put out my hand and touched the Face of God'. Space Shuttle Endeavour has completed its last mission and is now in retirement. That leaves only Atlantis still in operation and it makes its last flight in July. How sad! Here is a spectacular photo of last week's launch that captures something of the magic.

What on earth is this all about?

Pakistan & India - two nations out of one, born in bloodshed and still actively hating each other. The rivalry begets a show of animosity which has melded over the years into a crazy tourist attraction. Anyway, Michael Palin can explain better than I can, so why are you still reading my drivel? Wake up - play the vid...

The End of Bullfighting?

The Spanish region of Catalonia is outlawing bull-fighting. Hurray! About time too. Barcelona is witnessing its last bull-fighting season though the change has not gone down too well elsewhere in Spain.

Whilst many Spanish feel that the Catalans are just petulantly expressing their essential separateness from the rest of Spain, the majority of Catalans are very much in favour of this cultural shift. One of the main bull-rings in Barcelona has been turned into a shopping plaza and the crowds at the remaining bull-fights have been poor. The days when animals can be treated with such cruelty are gradually coming to an end in Spain.

Despite not wanting to celebrate suffering in dumb animals, it was always reassuring to know that, every so often, the bull would get his man. This bull certainly made an impression on this matador - you could say he took it on the chin (well, more like through his chin and out of his mouth). Served him right!

How much for a belt?

A man's belt. A piece of leather with holes in and a buckle. Us men wear them - it stops our pants from collecting around our ankles and saves us from being arrested (the last time was a one-off, your honour). But how much should a man pay for this service?

My belt - from Matalan - cost about £6. It is a piece of leather with holes in and a buckle and I haven't been arrested for having my pants around my ankles for ages - at least, not since I finished my community service. It does its job. What more could a man want?

This is a Louis Vuitton belt. It is a piece of leather with holes in and a buckle and it keeps your trousers up. Much like a belt should. Except that it costs £415. For a belt. Seriously?!

Am I missing something here? What does this belt do that my belt doesn't? I don't have an answer to that question without somehow tapping into a side of the human psyche that I am just don't understand. I don't get it. I know - beyond certainty - that if I somehow won millions on the Lottery, there is no way that I would part with over £400 for a piece of leather with holes in and a buckle.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I just don't get it. But if there is an 'it' to get, I am not sure that I want to get 'it'. I will happily do without (I don't have much choice anyway). I will take my Matalan belt any day. If that says something about me, then let it be said. Or let me belt up instead.

If I ruled the world

An occasional series exploring what I would do if I was bigger and more important than everybody else. We all dream of being tyrannical despots. This is one way I would exercise unrestrained power...

Like a fool, I have been using the browser Google Chrome. What was I thinking of?

I've had better browsers stuck to bottom of my toilet bowl

I'm not having that! What's the point in being a tyrannical despot if you cannot exercise a bit of cyber-argy-bargy. You too, Internet Explorer - you're for the high jump too. I'm back with Mozilla Firefox and I don't understand why I didn't installed it when I bought this laptop. I must have been soft in the head.

Google Chrome - you know what you can do. Go delete yourself.

Play Harold Camping's All-New 'Rapture Bingo'!

Rapture Bingo!

Yes! Roll up for some apocalyptic fun and games as Harold Camping introduces his new 'Rapture Bingo'. Armageddons come and Armageddons go, but 'Im-a-gettin' excited by this brilliant new fun Bingo game that the whole family can play.

Prizes! Prizes! Prizes!

As we all know, Harold has made two previous attempts to guess the date of the Rapture, but that hasn't dampened his enthusiasm. He has now made a third prediction - 21st October 2011 - and we all know that it will not be his last. Every time he makes a new prediction, simply check whether that date appears on your special apocalyptic bingo card and mark it off. Then, once your card is complete, you can claim a special prize - sponsored by Harold's own Family Radio Station. To get your Rapture Bingo Card, send a cheque for $500 to: Harold Camping's Rapture Bingo, Postal Box 666, Tennessee, USA.

Results of Harold's Last Rapture Bingo Game

Winner: Mrs Haroldina Camping - Tennessee
Prize: Millions & Millions of Dollars

.

Netanyahu - A worthy recipient of a Barf Award

I am sitting listening to the address to the US Congress by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Wow! I think the appropriate word is 'chutzpah'. If only the rest of the world knew just how prosperous and free the beleaguered and enslaved Palestinians really are. If only people realised the warmth and generosity of spirit that exists in the State of Israel. If only he could understand why his tireless efforts to achieve peace have fallen on deaf ears.

Netanyahu - with his message to the Palestinians

The Palestinians living in the Israeli-occupied territories live in a state of apartheid. There is no other word for it. They are certainly not prosperous and definitely not free. They live under very different legal conditions, where they are disenfranchised, dehumanised and displaced. Frequently subjected to arbitrary arrest and imprisonment, they are regularly kicked out of their homes without notice and separated from family living on the other side of their 'peace line'. Yes - they fight back - and who can blame them? This is David & Goliath without the inspiring ending. The state of Israel is a disgusting manifestation of the worst aspects of US foreign policy which perpetuates the suffering of the rightful inhabitants of these occupied lands for its own twisted reasons. It is unlikely to change until the US stops unconditionally propping up this appalling apartheid regime - and that ain't likely to happen any time soon.

Israeli forces have bulldozed over 20,000 Palestinian homes

So, whilst Netanhayu gets his standing ovation from the US Congress, the rest of the world can only look on powerless to help these oppressed people. It may not make any difference to him, but as far as I am concerned, any voice that calls out this charlatan is welcome. It may be not amount to a hill of beans, but I add my voice to the growing chorus. To Netanyahu and his corrupt disgusting apartheid state, I award you a Barf Award. You make me sick...

So good - I had to share it

I have just come across this video on another blog site and I just knew I had to share it...

Most of us do not tie our shoes correctly. If your knot comes undone too easily (especially if you have round shoe laces), and you resort to using a double knot, then this is the video for you. It seems that with one small tweak of the usual technique, you can convert a weak knot into a strong knot. See for yourself...

Follow it all on Twitter

Twitter. Isn't it great? Well, no - not really. If you are fed up finding out which professional footballer did what with some blond nobody-celeb, then don't forget that you can follow all sorts of domestic products on Twitter too. Go on, you know you want to.

Cheer up! It's not the end of the world

So, the Rapture didn't happen. Well, what a surprise. The time came and passed and nothing happened. For any non-Christian, it is easy to dismiss this whole idea with a wave of the hand. However, even within Christian circles, the idea of the Rapture is based upon some pretty flimsy evidence, rooted as it is on a single verse in the bible (1 Thessalonians 4:17): 


'and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.''

You would have thought that such an important strand of eschatology would require a firm and unambiguous biblical basis, but that is clearly not the case. Further to that, the idea of predicting the date of the Rapture is clearly negated by yet another single bible verse (Matthew 24:36):


'But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only'. 


It seems to me that if your sole guide to predicting such events is the bible, then the very same bible also makes it clear that the process of predicting is a waste of time. In fact, it is clearly 'blasphemous'. Still, no harm done. We can all have a snigger at their gullibility and move on. Except that for some, they cannot. An army of believers have ripped their families apart by selling all their possessions and giving their money away. Worse still, a number of people have attempted - and others have succeeded - in committing suicide, such was the level of anxiety induced by the predictions. In one case, a mother sliced the throats of her two daughters and her own throat before being discovered in time for all three to be saved.

Harold Camping - wrong again on so many levels

Doubtless Harold Camping, the old loon behind this latest farce, will carry on coming up with more excuses and yet more predictions and the anxiety and despair will continue as well. He and his friends have been wrong before. As far as I am concerned, they are wicked people who should answer for their irresponsibility - but, of course, that will never happen. All it is needed is the veil of respectability that religion confers in the U.S. and they can get away with murder. For the rest of us looking in - well, it may not be the end of the world. Sadly, that's not the case for some of his gullible followers.

Super-injunction Madness

So, the world of 'news' is buzzing with talk of super-injunctions. It seems that a famous professional footballer has taken out one of these legal sledgehammers and is desperate to keep his affair with some bimbo quiet. The trouble, of course, is that social network sites like Twitter don't really obey the normal rules, so our brave footballer is now trying to sue them too.

Girl at centre of Super-injunction row - Imogen Thomas

Not that I could care less who did what with whom, but why is this guy bothering when all it takes is to dive on to Twitter, search for 'football' and there is his name, being splashed around like a splashy name-like thing? Who is he trying to keep this news from? The cat is out of the bag - like a cat that has never ever seen the inside of a bag or even knows what a bag looks like.

The inside of the bag

Far be it from me to name names - it would be against the law anyway - but what do I think that this footballer should do now? Well, I suggest that he should take a leaf out of the book of some of our more esteemed and celebrated football gentlemen - role models like, say, Ryan Giggs. After all, the man is a living legend and was the Sports Personality of the Year for 2009. I bet he would be able to set this mystery footballer straight - you know, give him some advice about how to lead a sensible and modest life away from the media spotlight. Yes, that would be my advice. Talk to Giggsy!

A gentleman who could advise our mystery footballer

Well done Lizzie!

I am no fan of the monarchy - but that doesn't mean that I do not recognise what a good job the Queen did on her state visit to Ireland.

She did have a job to do. As the Head of State, she had to convey an important message on behalf of the UK and in doing so, heal some very old wounds. It may never have been on the cards for her to outright apologise for the past injustices suffered by the Irish at the hands of the British, but the visit was clearly planned to convey regret for the past and hope for the future. She played her part well and the message was clearly well-received by the Irish people.

Atoning for the past - a wreath and a bow for the rebels

Maybe the message worked well precisely because she has directly suffered due to the conflict. Maybe she is just good at this sort of thing. Whilst I don't think that this offers any support for the post, I do take my hat off to the post holder. I cannot imagine Prince Charles being able to pull this off in the same way and I do believe that the main thing keeping the monarchy afloat is the personal appeal of Elizabeth II. Still, credit where credit's due. Well done Lizzie!

A Guide to success for everyone with ambition

I don't know how I didn't come across this before. Success is guaranteed - you will be amazing! So, if you fancy the idea of doing something spectacular with your life and you'd like to find out how nanotechnology can change the world, then watch this...

What a mixed bag of petals & pus

I have just watched Question Time, which this week came from HMP Wormwood Scrubs. The panel was interesting: Labour's last Justice Secretary Jack Straw was up against the Conservative's current Justice Secretary Ken Clarke - and they were joined by Liberty's Shami Chakrabati and the Daily Fail's very own cesspit, Melanie Phillips.

The panel played their parts much as we might have expected. Jack Straw took the predictably New Labour populist line and Shami Chakrabati defended a fairly liberal common sense view on issues related to penal policy. What did impress me was Ken Clarke - without doubt, the most sensible Justice Secretary this country has had in years. He has found himself in trouble with the red tops in the last few days by daring to think imaginatively about penal policy. Good for Ken - a man who deserves to have his ideas treated fairly.

But the night was blighted by the dreadful Melanie Phillips. A Daily Mail columnist, she belongs on a different moral planet from me. Her view that the UK should shut off all foreign aid was met with boos by the audience. It was almost as if she was reading my mind and stating the opposite view. I already knew that she is a homophobe, islamophobe, evolution-denier, global-warming-denier, anti-vaccination buffoon who accuses anyone she doesn't like of being anti-Semitic. If you want to barf yourself into a stupor, have a read of her views on Wikipedia. Pass me the sick bag, please!

What will your last words be?

Here is a funny little cartoon exploring famous last words. Enjoy...

Time for another Barf Award

Yet another Guantanamo Bay Prisoner has committed suicide. He is the sixth long-term 'detainee' to have taken his own life. His attorney has revealed that Hajji Nassim had been suffering from a 'paralyzing psychosis', a mental illness that pre-dates his imprisonment without trial. It was his third, final and ultimately successful attempt to end his life.

I don't know how I could cope with such a situation. He was stuck in limbo - there was not enough evidence to convict him, so his imprisonment just went on and on without much hope of a chance to clear himself. It doesn't exactly hold the self-appointed champions of freedom and democracy in a very good light. It exposes their moral bankruptcy and fuels the anger towards the west that recruits more and more terrorists. President Obama promised to close this prison down and end this offence against democratic values. He has gone back on his word - and yet another desperate and hopeless prisoner takes his own life.

For that, President Obama & the U.S. authorities have earned themselves yet another Barf Award. You make me sick...

If I ruled the world

An occasional series exploring what I would do if I was bigger and more important than everybody else. We all dream of being tyrannical despots. This is one way I would exercise unrestrained power...

From the lips of a pub philosopher, with no volume control... "If there's one thing you can say about Pete, it's that he loves a good laugh". 

Well, thanks for that - really. I am still struggling to think of anyone who doesn't love a good laugh - you know, someone who really hates it. Your loud, enforced pearls of wisdom really light up our lives for hours on end but sadly, as a tyrannical despot, it would be my duty to revoke your 'philosophy licence' and bar you from 'holding court' in my local. 


Loud-mouth pub philosopher. You know what to do - on your bike!

An Admission - though I suspect I'm not alone

I don't particularly like watching rock music live. There! I've said it. Go on - brand me a complete square. I know you want to. Or maybe, secretly, you don't.

Never mind the quality

The thing is this. I love rock music. From the Beatles through to the Foo Fighters, I just love it. Age hasn't mellowed that one bit. I love it as much today as I did when I was 13. One thing certainly hasn't changed. I'll take a studio album over a live performance any day. I know that that is not cool, or whatever, but I don't care. It is true for me - and I suspect, it is true for many more people than are prepared to admit it.

The Beatles - gave up performing live to produce their best music

I've made no secret of my love for certain bands on this blog. I have included music videos from the likes of The Beatles, The Beach Boys, and ELO. And if there is one thing that these bands share, it is that they were not afraid to use studio production to its full potential. In fact, they were famous for it. Swapping all that for a drained, limp, shadow of itself - further reduced by standing in a sweaty crowd for hours on end, and paying handsomely for the privilege - is not my idea of a good deal. Don't get me wrong. There have been gigs I have enjoyed enormously, but as a rule, that has not been my general experience.

The Who - a band who could deliver on stage

I doubt that there are many people under the age of sixty who would agree with me - openly. Going to gigs is one of those things that is supposed to define being young and cool. It is essentially a social thing - and I would agree with that - but, in my opinion, it is not a musical thing. The musical experience from a live gig is often a disappointment, though few people have the 'courage' to own up to the fact. I watched a band I really admire - The Foo Fighters - render a washed out set on BBC2 the other day, before switching off and playing one of their albums instead. The ratio of quality - live to studio - is too low, too often, to garner my support. There! I've said it. Now go ahead and sneer - unless of course, deep down, you agree.

Anyway, try it for yourself...

Here are two (supposedly identical) videos of the Foo Fighters performing the same song. The first has had the studio version of the song overdubbed, cleverly, so that it appears to be the live version. The second video is the real performance. One sounds great whilst the other sounds thin and pathetic. (I know, I know - I wasn't there to appreciate the volume, the performance and the sheer energy & charisma of the band or whatever...). Still, judge for yourself...

Here comes the rain

The South-East has enjoyed some really spectacular weather for the last few months, with hardly any rainfall. It is a most unusual situation - not what we have come to expect from an English spring. The weather is beginning to break and we are in for showers. All good things come to an end. Still, as people often say - and irritatingly so - it's good for the garden. So, to cheer things up a bit, here is an interesting celebration of the transforming power of rain. It can be beautiful too - and besides, it's good for the garden...

Sambo's Grave

I have always loved the North West of England. I cannot quite put my finger on it - being there just feels right. Before I headed south from Liverpool, I hired a car and took myself on a rambling drive through some of my favourite landscapes. There was one location that I was determined to visit, having failed to do so before. I went to visit Sambo's Grave.

Sambo's Grave is a strange visitor attraction in an equally strange location. It can be found at Sunderland Point, a bleak little hamlet on a muddy peninsula which is cut off each day as the tides come in and out. It sits staring out across the estuary of the River Lune, where it flows into Morecambe Bay - a one-time port for the city of Lancaster and an important destination serving the slave ships. The Point itself will not always be around. It is slowly eroding away and will disappear as surely as the trade that once gave it purpose.

Sambo was a slave - a cabin boy - who arrived in Sunderland Point in 1736. He was so distraught at being left behind by his enslaver that he refused to eat and starved himself to death. Or so the legend goes. An alternative theory was that he simply contracted a disease that his immune system was ill-equipped to handle. Either way, his plight touched the hearts of the locals and he was buried in unconsecrated ground near the shoreline. His grave has become something of a shrine and the last resting place of this enslaved cabin boy has become a focal point for the story of slavery in the Lancaster area.

People from all over the world make their way across the mud flats at low tide and through the rocky fields to find his grave. Painted stones and messages written on rocks adorn the site, whilst the grave itself has a plaque  which reads...

Here lies

Poor Samboo

A faithfull Negro

Who

(Attending his Maſter from the Weſt Indies)

Died on his Arrival at Sunderland

Full sixty Years the angry Winter's Wave

  Has thundering daſhd this bleak & barren Shore

Since Sambo's Head laid in this lonely Grave

  Lies still & ne'er will hear their turmoil more.

Full many a Sandbird chirps upon the Sod

  And many a Moonlight Elfin round him trips

Full many a Summer's Sunbeam warms the Clod

  And many a teeming Cloud upon him drips.

But still he sleeps _ till the awakening Sounds

  Of the Archangel's Trump new Life impart

Then the Great Judge his Approbation founds

  Not on Man's Color but his_Worth of Heart

It is a sad tale - given all the more poignancy by the bleak surroundings. Just to the north, Heysham Nuclear Power Station looms large, whilst the hamlet itself sits awaiting it's own somewhat watery grave. The story, just like its location, is so touched by contrasts - bleak & beautiful, cruel & kind, sad yet uplifting. The main quality shared by slavery and Sunderland Point - an eventual demise. If you ever get the chance, go visit.

If I ruled the world

An occasional series exploring what I would do if I was bigger and more important than everybody else. We all dream of being tyrannical despots. This is one way I would exercise unrestrained power...

Aylesbury - are you having a laugh? You are a town famous for having some sort of connection to ducks. We all know that ducks are awesome creatures. But the town of Aylesbury is not. Not even a bit awesome. If I ruled the world, I would send Aylesbury packing at the drop of a hat. Sorted!

So, you know what to do. Aylesbury - take a hike.

Swings, Roundabouts & Domestic Waterworks

I have now been in this flat for just over three months and I must say that I am really quite enjoying being here. It enjoys an excellent location - The River Thames is a short distance away and Reading town centre is just a bit beyond that. The flat itself is spacious enough and cosy and it meets my needs quite handsomely. But with every flat I have ever lived in, the greatest joys and sorrows are usually related in some way to the domestic waterworks.

Caversham Lock - a lovely location

Take the flush. British toilets have long had a poor reputation. There are few things more irritating than a pathetic flush. My flat in Liverpool suffered from this in a spectacular way. It expended as much energy as a one-legged sloth with emphysema - not so much a flush as a gentle stirring of the contents of the bowl. It clearly had an issue with adding effluent into the sewage system - a porcelain paranoia as it were - and there was, as a result, much pumping and gnashing of teeth. But as is often the case, domestic waterworks obey the rule of averages and I am so pleased that my new flat is a one-flush wonder.

Efficient log removal appreciated

In fact, this toilet has the power to eject even the most stubborn of arm-sized lavatorial abominations. It is an absolute delight - one simple action, no repeats necessary. But the law of averages not only works across the various flats (inter-flat), but also within the flats (intra-flat). I am a tea man. I fill the kettle many times a day to feed my tannin addiction and that requires the cooperation of the kitchen cold water tap. What a git! The water will eventually reach a suitable pressure, but due to whatever (don't ask me, I'm not a plumber), it takes several thousand revolutions of the tap before it achieves any decent level of flow. I want tea, not Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I am sure that it could be adjusted, but that would involve contacting the landlord, which is beginning to sound like too much effort already.

Add one lump or two and stir gently

So there you have it. Swings and roundabouts. What the waterworks gives with one hand it takes away with the other. I know, I know - this is Britain and I am renting after all. I suppose that the benefits of the muscular flush just about outweigh the inconvenience of the dribbling tap, so I should be grateful to the universe for that. Still, is it really too much to ask that I should have it all? Well, is it?

What an amazing coincidence!

I have noticed something amazing about my debit card today. Talk about coincidences! This one nearly blew me away and I have my giant intellect to thank for piecing this together. Here's what I noticed...

What a coincidence!

My current account number is made up of the last four house/flat numbers I have occupied in the correct sequence... 02, 19, 45, and my current one, 31 - isn't that amazing? And it gets better - my sort code (23-06-12) is the exact date of Alan Turing's birth, the mathematician who contributed so much to the breaking of the Germans' wartime codes. He was born on the 23rd June 1912. What about that for a coincidence?

Code-breaker Alan Turing

Obviously my pin number and security words are not coincidental as they were made up by me. Some people are stupid enough to pick obviously connected numbers like the date and month of their birth - stupid, because they are easy for fraudsters to guess. No such idiocy for me - I chose the sequence of prime numbers starting from 2 (i.e. 2357) and my security question & answer is an absolute corker. Who would have thought of choosing 'My first pet was called?' as the question and 'Nothing' as the answer? You see, I have never owned a pet. Clever, eh?

Lightning bolts of intelligence flash out of my brain

It may take brains to come up with smart security words and numbers, but I had nothing to do with the account number and sort codes - they were assigned to me by my bank and the issuing branch of the Nationwide in Tiverton were not to know of the coincidences involved. Still, even if somebody was to correctly guess my account number and sort code, they are not likely to bypass the rest of the security - as you can see, I have made sure of that. And that is the value of having a great brain like mine - no one gets to rip you off.

In your face, fraudsters!

Stupid site stole my posts

I don't know what happened over the last couple of days, but two and a half articles I posted here disappeared as if they had never been written. They were there one minute and gone the next - with an error message saying the site was undergoing maintenance. Gee, thanks for that. Steal my posts, why don't you?

I had to go back and re-finish the post about vicars who look like vicars, but the other two are lost and gone for good. I might try to re-write them, if I can remember what I had written first time around. It has left me a bit perplexed, so here is an image which suitably captures my emotions...

Only in America...

A new burger franchise opens in Texas that sells big fat american gut-buster burgers and it reduces a bunch of pathetic americans to tears of joy. Prepare to be embarrassed on their behalf...

If I ruled the world

An occasional series exploring what I would do if I was bigger and more important than everybody else. We all dream of being tyrannical despots. This is one way I would exercise unrestrained power...

The vicar at the end of my street. He looks like a vicar. What was he thinking of?

Balding, glasses, boring-looking...

It simply shouldn't be allowed. I would ban all stereotypical vicars from actually becoming vicars. I know that all right-thinking people would agree with me - but frankly, if I am a tyrannical despot, then I don't care what anyone thinks. What I say, goes. Get over it!

Vicars that look like vicars. Go on, sling your hook!

A Chat with Michael Palin

Well, it wasn't actually me having a chat with Michael Palin, but I did visit the Royal Geographical Society yesterday to witness someone else chatting to him. And what a brilliant evening it was too.

President of the RGS

Most of the credit goes to my chaperone/bodyguard for the evening, Dr Eilish. It was her idea - she got the tickets and made all the arrangements - I just did the easy bit of turning up and taking up space. The RGS occupies a gorgeous spot sandwiched between Hyde Park, Kensington Gardens, The Science Museum and the Royal Albert Hall. If you ever find yourself surrounded by those landmarks, then you're there. Palin is the President of the RGS and he was in conversation with Mahjabeen Khan, a Bengali woman who had shared part of his journey through Bangladesh when he was filming his Himalayas series. They chatted about all things Bengali, showed some slides and invited the ample audience to throw questions at them.

I was tempted to ask whether Michael and his guest were appalled to learn that Dr Eilish had turned up without any Geography qualifications whatsoever. Doubtless this would have drawn gasps of shock and horror from the enthusiastic audience and my silence on the issue avoided scenes of a violent nature. I also managed to restrain my desire to ask questions related to dead parrots and Venezuelan beaver cheese - which was probably a relief for everyone present. I think had I offered such an enquiry, it would have been me in a heap on the pavement outside instead of Dr E. I wonder if that is the reason why the road outside is called Kensington Gore?

Michael - exactly as he was dressed last night

The rest of the evening consisted of local sight-seeing (Albert Memorial, Albert Hall, and a nice boozer on the Gloucester Road). I recommend Michael Palin as a speaker, the RGS as a venue and the Stanhope Arms for some good quality house wines. Oh, and Dr Eilish too. Even if she doesn't have a GCSE in Geography.

I couldn't find any footage of Michael's guest from the very few Youtube clips from the Himalayas series. However, I did find a clip which begins just after he takes his leave from her. In fact, the singing you can hear in the clip is courtesy of Mahjabeen Khan, something that they discussed during their chat. Anyway, here is Michael leaving the boat that he and his guest had been travelling on (apologies if it starts with a short advert)...

A Crazy Story and I was there...

This is a strange and remarkable tale from the magical land of football. The reason why I have included it here is because I was there when this piece of history came to pass.

Imagine an average footballer on the very edge of the professional game. He is playing for some nobody team in the depths of non-league football and he dreams that one day, he might play with the big soccer stars in the English Premier League. So it was for Ali Dia. No one knows for sure how the story unfolded like it did, but a big time professional manager, Graeme Souness, manager of Premiership team Southampton, got a phone call one day, supposedly from the world's best footballer, George Weah.

FIFA World Footballer, George Weah

George had been voted the FIFA World Player and was highly respected (he even stood for the presidency of his country, Liberia, in 2005) - but the phone call that day did not come from George at all. Someone pretending to be 'George' told Graeme that he knew of a player who was mega-talented - a man named Ali Dia. Graeme was so impressed with Ali's resume that he gave him a call and invited him to train with Southampton. Ali turned up, and did just enough to convince Graeme to give him a game.

Ali Dia - his 15 minutes of fame

That's where I come in. I went to that game at Southampton against Leeds and witnessed the debut of Southampton's new 'talent'. The problem was, he wasn't. Ali came on as a substitute, played for just over 40 minutes and was himself then substituted. For a mediocre non-league player, Ali's dream had come true. But as a mediocre non-league player, that dream was always going to be short-lived. Still, you have to hand it to the man. He fulfilled the dream of every aspiring footballer by running out onto a pitch and playing in the best professional league in the world - the English Premier League. How many players would give their left leg for that opportunity?

Souness - a well deserved facepalm

The whole episode provided Souness & Southampton with a healthy dose of embarrassment - though I doubt that Ali loses much sleep over the adventure. You have to admire his nerve. I do not remember very much about the game I attended that night, but I will remember it for the fulfilment of one man's dream. Good for you, Ali! Anyway, here is the story...