What my knees tell me about Homeopathy

Homeopathy makes my knee-caps cry. My knee caps are particularly sensitive to all sorts of nonsense. Last year, my knee caps felt vaguely uneasy when William Hague was appointed Foreign Secretary. And boy, were they right to fell that way. What a complete waste of space he has turned out to be.

Uneasy knee caps - caused by William Hague

No, they have definitely been all squishy since I first realised what was involved in homeopathy. I know that if I explained it all to you that you might experience some uneasiness too - especially if I were to tell you that this fairy tale is still being funded by the NHS, in this, the 21st century.

So here's the story. Settle down, this is a hum-dinger of a fairy tale. Get yourself comfy and prepare for a good laugh along the way. Let's say you have a fever - and you want to take something to cure the fever. First, you must find something that might cause a fever. If you have a very small dose of this stuff, it will cure the fever - yes? No? Well, of course it will. Where were you when they were teaching science at school? A small amount of a fever-inducing substance will cure the fever. Obviously!

A sore shin - what to do?

It does work. Let me give you an example. If you bash your shin on a coffee table - which is what we all do from time to time - what is your first instinct? Yes, you gently rub the shin, easing the pain in the process. A little bit of 'contact' has helped cure a bigger bit of 'contact'. See. It really works. And, let's face it. You wouldn't want to rub your shin vigorously, would you? No, the gentler, the better. So gentle, that you hardly realise you are doing it.

And so it is with homeopathy. You take your fever-inducing 'stuff' and you make it as gentle as possible. By diluting it. And then diluting it again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. In fact, the more you dilute it, the more potent the 'medicine' becomes. Hell, why stop at weak, when you can have non-existant. Yes, the solution keeps getting diluted until none of the original fever-inducing stuff remains. At all. And then, you have yourself one mighty powerful anti-fever medicine. Wow!

What a load of crap!

Some actual homeopathy

The water in which the 'stuff' has been diluted retains the memory of the 'stuff' - which is why it is so potent. Somehow, the water doesn't seem to retain the memory of anything else it has been in contact with. Like poo. Amazingly, it only retains the memory of the stuff they want it to. Good, obedient water.

So, the manufacturers produce this obedient water and mugs poorly people take it in the form of a wee tablet and they feel better (the manufacturers, that is). That's because they have just sold some 'water' for a lot of money. And, to make themselves even richer, they have persuaded the NHS to buy their water tablets too.

High water rates

But does it work? There is a short answer and a long answer. The short answer is 'no'. The longer answer is 'noooooooo'. You might as well eat your underpants for all the good it will do you. But here we are, in the 21st century, and people are still peddling this nonsense whilst retaining a veneer of respectability. Thank goodness for the likes of Mitchell & Webb. Here is their take on homeopathy - transferred to a situation none of us would wish to end up in - Homeopathic A&E: